I’ve put hundreds of hours into meditation and studying stoicism.
I realized I did it wrong.
There’s a subtle but important difference between two types of “Non attachment”.
If you meditate or practice stoicism you might get the sense that you care less and less about the world.
That’s the wrong type of non-attachment.
I’ve noticed this many times in my own experience. I hear people talk about “Feeling connected and blissful ” but all I felt was – as pink floyd would say – Comfortably numb.
I could even feel proud of how “equanimous” I could look at the world. But in reality nothing would hit me. This is the disconnected type of non-attachment. If you do any spiritual practice it’s important to be aware of this.
Don’t let it trick you into thinking that you’re on the right path.
Ask your mom or neighbor what stoicism means. They would say something along these lines: “A person who looks emotionless, like nothing can touch them”.
You feel like an unfeeling observer.
This is only the case if you fall in the pitfall of disconnected non-attachment.
There is a type of non-attachment that wants to make you improve the world.
Instead of caring less about it.
It’s a type of non-attachment that’s more equanimous and non-reactive while still allowing the sensations. This Connected non-attachment gets you closer to yourself in stead of further away. You are less concerned about what others think, and paradoxically connect better with them. You allow yourself to process and feel sensations without being overwhelmed. It’s a journey, not of becoming numb, but of living life with a steady, unshakable presence.
What are examples of Connected non-attachment? This is a life long practice. It’s not something I’ve mastered fully.
- You are deeply listening to people, instead of trying to force your perspective. You are non-attached from “Proving you’re right”
- You are stung by a bee, you feel the pain. You Observe it, you allow it and don’t try to push it away.
- You stubbed your toe, but your friend is telling you are story about his breakup. And you are able to listen.
- You choose to live more sustainable by reducing waste or eating sustainable foods. Without being overwhelmed about the state of the environment.
- Mindful consumption. You enjoy the pleasures of life without being a slave to it.
- Doing a great job at work without connecting your self esteem to your achievements.
In my free meditation course I discuss the R.A.I.N method. Which stands for Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non identification. It can be very powerful if done right. I’ve always felt a bit of resistance towards the “Non-identification”. It made me feel as if I had to deny or reject a certain part of my experience. This is what leads to the disconnected type of non-attachment.
The goal isn’t to become emotionless or indifferent. Connected non-attachment empowers you to remain calm in the midst of the storm of life. You still feel deeply and act compassionately.
You sit down and meditate. Notice a sensation in your body and Recognize it’s there. Next, you accept it. You tell it it’s okay that it’s there. It can leave any time it wants, but it can also stay. Third you start investigating the sensation. What is the shape? Is it heavy, light, fuzzy, hard? Does it have a center, is it moving? And the most important last step is Non-identification. Understand that the sensation if allowed to be there. You understand that your essence can look at this sensation with compassion.
Being non-attached could be in your character.
Up until I was 11 years old, my report card said the same thing each year.
Try to pay attention, don’t stare out of the window.
I didn’t do that on purpose.
It was annoying because I never heard what the teachers explained about assignments. Because of this I got really good at imitating others and filling in the blanks. I believe that by staring out of the window I trained myself in introspection. My brain automatically wandered of into questioning everything:
- How do I know for sure that other people also see the same colors as I do?
- If shoe soles slowly wear and tear, does that mean that the whole schoolyard is full of tiny pieces of shoe?
- I wonder if the wall is a bit skewed or is it just my eyes fucking with me?
- How far can I shoot if I make a catapult out of this pen spring?
- Or I was just staring into space, zoning out of all the impulses that came to me.
Only last year I found out about the origin of this absent mindedness, and the different types of “Turning inward”
There is system 1 and system 2 turning inward. System 1 is automatic and it’s a protective mechanism. System 2 takes effort and can help you evolve and discover yourself. And these will often alternate between each other.
Effortless turning inward is an automatic response. It is also know as dissociation.
This is a mental anesthetic.
If a cat catches a mouse the mouse becomes dissociated to avoid experiencing the pain of being torn apart alive.
Some kids are born more sensitive than others. A situation that’s fun to one child can be intense to another.
When you experience this intense sensation you feel threatened. If there is no way to escape physically, you will do so mentally. This becomes an unconscious psychological defense, which means that you can not stop it at will. It’s part of your system 1 – automatic – thinking.
In a nutshell, you dissociate because you feel emotional pain. Even a mild form of emotional pain can already trigger dissociation. You feel emotional pain because your brain is over aroused. Your doors of perception might be open a bit further than the average person. This makes you easily overstimulated, and highly creative.
Your level of arousal is connected to your ability to focus.
When you are over aroused you can’t focus.
When you are under arouse you can’t start working.
In both cases I was just staring out of the window.
Either to dissociate from the energy in the classroom, or because the class was so boring my mind started to entertain itself by asking questions.
I believe that this unconscious response of tuning out can also teach your mind how to turn inward in a good way.
This can help you in the following ways:
- Doing vipassana meditation and focusing on your body sensations. although you could debate whether that’s turning inward as it’s not inside of your mind
- Undergoing Internal Family System practices. It can help you discover parts of yourself.
- Simple meditation where you sit down and watch your thoughts.
- Self reflection. This is actually a skill that not everyone can do. Some people don’t have that capacity.
- Being imaginative. It can make you very creative. Staring out of the window and letting your thoughts run free is the main ingredient for creativity.
There is something you need to learn, if you think that it’s all about controlling stimulation.
Stimulation, Stimulation, Stimulation.
All day we are hooked up to a stimulation drip.
As the minimalist that I am, I resonated a lot with just having one screen. One pen. One notebook. One open application. For years I’ve been walking around with the wrong believe:
Less is more.
This is often true for design, but not always for productivity.
The key here is to understand that stimulation is not your main concern.
The key to being focused is your adrenaline score.
Stimulation and adrenaline are related.
When you doomscoll youtube shorts all day, your adrenaline score goes up. Your mind is over aroused and unable to focus.
The problem is that this leaves you powerless.
You feel that your focus is handed over to the gods and there’s nothing you can do about it. You think you can’t “undo” the stimulation.
Luckily you are wrong about that.
After zoning out on youtube or X you can always get back to focus. Notice your adrenaline score. If you want to learn how to do that. Check out my last letter over here.
Thank you for reading, subscribe to the newsletter and eat broccoli!